


Grief

by porcelainclown



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Ideation, drugs n stuff, hide is emo???, im sad and i dont know how to write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 19:06:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7326760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porcelainclown/pseuds/porcelainclown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can feel yourself slipping. Each cigarette, each empty pill bottle, symbolizes your fall into nothing. You don't know what it's like to be healthy anymore. Is it even something you want? What do you want? </p><p>You want him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

You can feel yourself slipping. Each cigarette, each empty pill bottle, symbolizes your fall into nothing. You don't know what it's like to be healthy anymore. Is it even something you want? What do you want? 

You want him.

You can't have him though. You gave yourself up so he could live, but unfortunately, you're still here and he isn't. You're not sure what happened, but you know he is gone. Touka said his body is here but his soul has escaped. Hopefully, you can share that fate. 

You light another cigarette, and pop a few pills into your mouth. You don't run them down with water, the small hope of dying from dehydration running through your mind. Each cigarette inhale should hurt. These pills should hurt more, everything should hurt more. However, Aogiri took your body. Saw a dying man and turned him into an experiment. You're not really affiliated with Aogiri though, more of a free agent.

Why did he have to leave? What did you do wrong? You hear Eto's voice telling you he never saw you as anyone important, just an annoying kid he shared classes with. You know this isn't true. Or, at least you used to know. He is gone though, and he never even said goodbye. How important could you have been? You try not to believe her, but soon you realize your mind is against you. 

Kaneki hates me, you think. He wants nothing to do with me. 

You light another cigarette. What happened to the last one? You look at your feet, seeing it crushed under your ragged shoe. You don't remember finishing it or crushing it, but before you know it a freshly lighted cigarette is pressed against your lips. It's habit, like breathing. You pop a few more pills. How long have you been doing this? How long have you been sitting here? You can't remember. You don't want to know. You don't care. You just want to feel nothing. Anything is better than the pain.

You love Kaneki so much. It hurts, you want to die. You can't have him. He does not want you, he left you and abandon you and even when you tried to help he left you. 

Exhaling a cloud of smoke, you pop a few more pills into your mouth. You want to stop feeling, and you do. Your head makes a thunk noise on the floor as you pass out.

\---

You open your crusty eyes to the familiar scene of a messy room with scattered drugs and dirty clothes. Rubbing your eyes, you prop yourself up on your arm. You feel awful. 

You notice your shirt is covered in vomit. This doesn't surprise you, considering all the overdosing you did. You might be out of depression pills soon. You make a mental note to stock up on more, as well as to change your shirt at some point.

The screen of your phone shines brightly, too brightly, as it buzzes. You squint your eyes. It looks like Banjou has texted you, probably needs help with some sort of mission. You unlock your phone, typing in the familiar and painful digits of your best friends birthday, 12/20. 

Apparently, Banjou and Ayato are trying to rescue Hinami from the CCG. They need your help, apparently. They need a lot of reinforcement. You type a quick response, telling him you can help out. 

With a lot of effort, you manage to pull yourself onto your feet and change your clothes. You slip on a jacket, it's night outside, and put on your mask. It resembles a gas mask, not that it actually functions. Banjou gave it to you so your face wasn't recognized, and you only wear it to appease him. 

You step out your door and start making your way to the meeting place, a shop close to the CCG building you were raiding. Maybe helping out some acquaintances will help ease your endless depression, who knows. 

You grit your teeth and let out a sigh, letting a grim scowl pass over your face. Probably not.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so like, more of this shit

You see him. 

In between the chaos, the opened cells and the ghouls running rampant accompanied by the overwhelmed CCG members, you see him. You know it's him. It was just a glimpse, but your heart stops as you see him rush by. He doesn't see you, too occupied with the chaos. But you see him. 

You feel something. Hope? 

You need to leave. You can hear your heart thumping, your ears clouded by the noise. You can't hear anything else. The world around you is blurring. You need to leave. 

You look around. Where is Banjou? It doesn't matter. You have to leave right now. 

In a panicked flurry, you race through the route you came, only focused on the desperation to get away from anything that made you feel. You can feel your body bumping into things, clumsily being pulled by the unwavering need to leave. You can feel the past breaking past the walls you've built in your mind, emotions you don't want, things you don't want to remember climbing into thought again. Your legs move faster than your body can comprehend, and soon, you realize you are somewhere new. 

Fuck.

You're kagune are out, you're running through public. Luckily you have a mask on, and if the CCG wasn't so occupied with the current missions, you are sure you would be in deep shit. People stare at you, scream at you. You need to get home. Where are you?

Are these... the college dorms? Why are you here? A few years ago you lived here, with a few room mates. You tell yourself you came because in your confusion you though this was your home and ran here instead. You don't believe what you tell yourself though. 

You quickly find a way to duck out, aware of all the pictures that have surely been taken of you, witnesses who have seen you, reports to the CCG that have undoubtedly been made. Fuck. Shit. You hate all the emotions piling up, unwanted vulnerability clouding all judgement. You need to go home, help yourself not feel again.

Somehow, you make your way to your door without finding any more trouble. In the back of an alley, where no one can see you, you quickly jam your key into the lock and heave yourself into your small home, making sure to lock the door behind you before your knees fall to the ground. Tears stream out of your eyes, like a waterfall cascading, a dam being released. You hate all this emotion, you hate thinking, feeling, hurting. You need to make it stop.

Your hand fumbles around in the dark, searching for a pill bottle. Shit, you didn't turn your light on. You're about to attempt to get up to turn the light on when your fingers slip across the familiar plastic bottle. The cap is already off, so you tilt the bottle and pour a few pills into your hands. You shove them down your throat, dry swallowing around the chalky capsules. You take some more, wanting anything to get away from this overwhelming emotion. 

You search your coat pocket for a lighter and some cigarettes, quickly shoving one into your mouth and taking a long drag. Your throat burns and you resist the urge to hack up the smoke. This is good. This is fine. You are fine. 

You pop a few more pills into your mouth. You don't want to feel right now. You don't want to be conscious. 

One thought remains on your mind as you fall into the unknowing darkness. Why didn't you chase after him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHahah ok so anyways next chapter will b happier.. i have a better idea where all of this is going now.... cool   
> btw i dont have an editor and im 2 fckn lazy 2 edit so if there r spelling mistakes i am very sorry and most likely not going to do anything abt it


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whoa... 2 chapters in 1 day??? thts unheard of... wht am i doing w/ my life  
> anyways have some more shit

You wake up to a loud, pounding sound. Where is it coming from? Whats going on? 

You hear the lock on your door click, signaling someone is coming inside. Fuck. Did you drop your keys? Don't panic, don't panic. Okay, who else has your key? Touka, your land lord and Banjou right? Fuck, if this is your land lord you are in deep shit. She can't visit without notifying you first right? Of course she can, this is her house technically, fuck fuck fuck.

"Hide?" You don't want to hear that voice, but at the same time, you want to hear it more than anything.

You look up to see a familiar face, a mess of white hair, a pair of round glasses you don't recognize. Kaneki. 

It looks like hes crying. You wonder why. You know he is just a hallucination, a side affect of the many drugs you have taken. 

"Hide... Hide, what happened to you?" He asks, looking around your living area with floors covered in trash and drugs. You realize you're on the ground, where you passed out last night. Kaneki, the hallucinated version of him, is crouching next to you. You don't bother to answer, savoring the moments you can look at him again instead. 

Is the door open, or was that a hallucination as well? Knowing your luck, the land lord is probably in here and your mind got so scared it replaced her with Kaneki. 

"Hide? Hide, are you okay?" Kaneki asks, panic seeping into his voice. He pushes you a little, trying to get your attention. It doesn't matter though, he's fake. You continue to look up at him.

"Hide!" He screams, shocked tears forming in the corners of his eyes before streaming down those pretty light cheeks. "Say something, Hide! Do I need to call an ambulance? Did you overdose?" He's holding your hand now. How sweet. Your mind always knows what you want. 

Kaneki reaches for his phone, his breath quickening. You should probably do something, unless you want this hallucination to turn into a bad trip. You intercept the action, grabbing his hand. He brings his gaze back to you with wide eyes.

"H-Hide?" You can feel him trembling. You don't want this. Why is he always hurting? This is your fault. You know it. Why does your mind torture you?

"Please stop hurting," You hear yourself murmur. Those wide eyes grow wider, being hidden behind a foreign curtain of glass. Since when did he need eye wear? 

"How..." Kaneki inhales, surveying the room. "How did it get like this?" 

Too much emotion rose with that statement. Too many memories. Too many empty pill bottles. Too many missing posters that got no response. 

"My best friend left." You sigh, somehow finding the effort to push yourself up and make your way to your door. You lean on it to catch your breath before standing upright again and closing it. 

"This is... my fault?" Kaneki responds, his voice cracking. 

You lean against your door and pull out a cigarette. "Of course not. It's my fault, I couldn't protect him." You light the cigarette. "He's dead, you know. You're just a hallucination. I'm not sure if you're somehow sentient, but if you are, you can rest easy knowing you're not real." You take a long drag. Trying to convince your hallucinations they aren't real helps you convince yourself they aren't real. 

"I'm not a hallucination, I'm real." Kaneki states firmly, looking into your eyes with a mixture of emotion you can't identify. 

"Thats what they all say," You say, longingly. You pry yourself off the wall, looking around in search of your pill bottle. You're feeling too much right now. 

Ah, there it is. You reach for it, only to have another hand snatch it before you can. You look up to see a trembling Kaneki, holding the bottle away from you. 

"Please stop hurting yourself," He almost whispers, quiet and full of sadness. You grit your teeth. 

"Please give it back, I don't want to keep feeling." You reach for the bottle, but he jolts his hand away. You wonder if this is a dream, if you will wake up soon right where you passed out. 

Much to your surprise, after looking into your eyes for a few seconds, he grabs you and pulls you into a hug. 

"I'm so sorry you've been suffering, please let me take care of you..." You can hear him say into your ear, breath tickling your neck. This feels too real. Too... you need more pills to drown this out. 

Regardless of your intentions, you relax into his arms. It's late, you realize. You probably haven't been resting for too long. Even if this Kaneki is fake, he makes you feel so safe... safe enough that you fall asleep again in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> people only msg me when im trying 2 write and have inspiration apparently.. like i started to write this and like. 6 ppl msged me. ppl only msg me whn i need 2 b doing smthn. smh. anyways hope u enjoyed this


	4. chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is probably?? my fav so far in terms of writing?? like i didnt rlly have to drag myself thru it.. it jst sorta came out

You think you're awake again. Are you really? You can never tell. 

You will your pathetic, crusted eyes to open and look around. Looks as if you're in your bedroom, tucked into your bed. This is strange considering you haven't had the energy to use any room but the living room for weeks. Your room looks just as you left it, albeit more dusty and now decorated with a few cob webs and some rat shit. Though not as messy as the living room you've been holing up in, the floors are still speckled with trash and ash trays. If you could still smell it would probably reek.

How did you get here? The sheets you're lying on feel damp with your sweat, sticking to your skin like they're glued to you. There was a window in here when you first started renting this place, but it's now covered with various thick materials. You can't tell what time of day it is, but it feels like you have been asleep for a while.

You scour your mind for memories of the night before. Though they come first as foggy and hard to interpret, the memories begin to trickle in. You remember Kaneki, seeing Kaneki, both at the CCG and here. How much of that was real and how much was fake? You're not sure. 

You remember taking a lot of drugs, but that feels like so long ago. You feel sober right now, a foreign sensation you haven't felt in what seems like years. How long have you been constantly high? Constantly on some new drug? You can't tell, your perception of time is completely off. You notice the urge to make your way into the living room and take some more depression pills, inject some heroin, anything to make you numb again. You think twice though, being sober and in the right mind enough to realize you can't go numb just yet, because something might be happening. 

You somehow summon the energy to pull yourself out of bed, the covers seeming to be attracted to your skin and clinging on to it. You feel like a gross mess. You are a gross mess, you tell yourself, used needles and empty bottles almost glaring at you as if to prove the point. Disgusting. You sit on the edge of your bed, collecting your thoughts, for what is only a few minutes but seems like longer. You then take the first step, and make your way to the exit of the room.

It's a little hard to walk in such a mess, constantly avoiding things that could be dangerous or cause serious harm just by stepping on them. Not that it would matter since you can regenerate, but pain is not pleasing in the slightest, especially when you're sober. However, gathering your skills and the little bit of consciousness you've found the will to cling to, you can navigate through the maze and push open your door to your main living room.

"Good morning, Hide." A soft, sad, somber voice sounds. Your first impulse is to tell the voice it's not morning, and according to your kitchen clock on the opposite side of the shitty apartment its mid-day, but you're stopped when you see his face. Kaneki's face. 

"Good morning," You mumble, eyes wide in shock. What's he doing here? Isn't he supposed to be dead? Does that mean you're dead to?

You make your way over to your couch, where he sits on a garbage free and clean spot (he must have cleaned it off, you think) reading a book. You sit beside him, and he puts his book down and looks at you. You can't tell what he's feeling. His face looks sad, worried, almost pitying you with a touch of what you think might be guilt. His eyebrows are creased a little and his eyes are boring into your own. What is going on?

"Are we dead?" You ask, not sure if you're serious. You genuinely just want some answers. 

At first he just looks at you, then he gives an empty laugh and an equally empty smile. How sad.

"No Hide, were not dead. Why would you think that?" He responds, but he still looks so sad. You have the urge to make some tacky joke like 'because i just saw an angel' or something similar, but you can't really bring yourself to do it. The moment seems to serious, you're scared dumb jokes will somehow ruin whatever closure you might be able to get here.

"Touka said you were gone," You blurt out without thinking. "You left, you weren't coming back, why are you here? How did you, how did you even get into my house? What happened?" You're putting tremendous trust into your mind right now, because every sense is telling you this is real even when you don't know how this could happen. 

He looks so sorrowful, too sorrowful. He won't meet your eyes. 

"My memory, was gone for a period of time. I'm sorry I didn't come back. Touka gave me your house key, I apologize for intruding." Then he gets up, like he is going to leave. You make a split decision to grab his arm.

"No it's fine, you're not intruding at all. I apologize for the mess, but would you like to stay?" You look at him with pleading eyes. You're so confused. Everything feels so awkward, so formal, so unnatural. How can you remedy the situation? 

He looks at you for a few seconds, studying you somewhat before sitting back down and nodding. You give him a gracious smile and release his arm. Your mind starts to wander, searching for some way to make this less awkward, less forced, and more like it was before everything went to shit. 

"Last night," He begins, and you're immediately giving him all your attention and focus, "I escaped from the CCG. I went to RE, and they told me you were alive. Touka gave me your house key, so I came here." Memories of seeing him, running away from him, come crashing through like a dam just broke in your mind. Fuck. 

"Hide, last night you said that you had... gone down this path because... because your best friend left." You can tell its hard for him to speak, hard for him to say these things. You just want to hold him and tell him to forget about it. "Were you being serious? Is this my fault?" The look in his eyes is so painful. 

"No-no of course not. My inability to cope with, with loss, is in no way your fault." You try to assure him, try to convince him, but his eyes darken.

"But this was triggered by me leaving?" He mutters. You take a deep breath, he looks down and avoids your eyes. 

"Yeah," You admit. "It's not your fault though! You can't blame yourself for this. It's my fault, I'm too pathetic to cope normally." You believe every word you say with every bone in your body. He can't blame himself. He did nothing wrong, you're the one to blame. You're always the one to blame.

He doesn't respond for a few moments, like his thoughts are shooting around in his head as he tries to make sense of them.

"I'm going to take care of you." He says, with a weird sense of certainty sounding in his voice. 

"Take care of me? What do you mean? I'm not a child," You quickly shoot at him, but his will doesn't seem to be affected. 

"You're going through a lot because of me, Hide." His voice is soft but stern, and he puts a hand on your shoulder. "I should never have left, I love you and I'm going to stay with you till you heal and forever after that."

It's hard to comprehend what he's saying. You think you're crying now. Is he being serious? Would he really do that for you? Doesn't he hate you?

"R-really?" You stutter, embarrassingly, voice compromised as tears pile in your chocolate eyes. 

"Really," He says, voice now laced and filled with softness and gentle love. He emphasizes this by placing a kiss on your forehead before tugging you into a big hug. "I love you so, so much."

You sniffle into his shoulder, gripping the back of his shirt with your hands. "I love you too, I love you more than anything in the world." You claim, and if there are perfect moments this has to be one of them. You let your eyes fall closed as you melt into the embrace, careful not to fall asleep, but for once, resting in the serenity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyways wht even is this shit


	5. Chapter 5

They're hurting you. prodding at you, sticking things inside of you. You don't want this. You feel violated. 

You try to escape but you can't. You're being held down, being trapped. They're hurting you. They're hurting you. Make it stop. Make it. Stop.

You feel your kagune thrashing around. You have to break free, have to escape. You have to. You ha-

"HIDE!" You're shook out of your dream when a familiar voice screams into your ear.

"Kaneki?" You mutter, eyes frantically darting around. You only see darkness. You can hear your heart throbbing as your panic rises. If Kaneki is here to are they hurting him? You have to save him. You have to. You have to you have to you-

"Hide please, please calm down, everything is alright. It was just a bad dream, alright? You're safe." His voice sounds gentle but you can hear the panic bellow it.

A bad dream? You look around again, starting to barely make out objects in the darkness. This is... this is your room. Your nose doesn't work much but you can smell the reek of various drugs and... what seems to be rotted corpses. You're in your room. You're safe... you think.

"Kaneki?" You question again, this time a bit louder. What's he doing here, you ask yourself. You begin to remember the unfolding of last night. You don't remember falling asleep. You never really do, but this time it feels more unsettling. 

"It's me, Hide. You're safe, I promise. If anyone would hurt you I would protect you." You realize he's holding you. You also realize your kagune, like in the dream, are in fact out, and by little you can see of the room, you were probably thrashing them all over. Even more messy of a room now. Yikes. 

You lean into his touch. 

"What time is it?" You ask.

"Still late, can you go back to sleep?"

You consider this for a bit before nodding. If Kaneki is here, you can rest.

You're sitting upright, you realize, so you shift yourself back onto your bed lying down. Kaneki lies down right next to you. It feels so sweet and so pure, like how it was when you were both children. You listen to his deep breaths, letting them sooth you into a calmer mind.

You're safe, you're safe, you tell yourself as you drift back into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK SO THIS IS LIKE... a minichapter... i guess  
> i got insp and scrapped the other half chapter i made and this is a thing now. cool. more angst. lets fucking do this  
> i gotta go to therapy like, rn tho so thts why this is so short lmao... ill write another chapter l8r sorry


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mostly hide inner stuff till the end :o

The first few times tripping on acid made you paranoid. You couldn't tell what was going on around you. You were no longer lucid, your mind was everywhere and nowhere. You were lost, but at least you were occupied. 

Abusing depression medication was the next step. That was different, it made you numb. You felt fuzzy, not able to get around as easily, not able to feel as many emotions. 

Heroin was different. You stab yourself and imminently you're euphoric for a few minutes, for once you feel good, you feel alive, you feel something. It only lasts for a few minutes, and then you're just sluggish for a while. 

Cocaine gives a similar euphoria, but it's less concentrated and lasts longer. It makes your heart race, which can get you a little anxious at times, but you assume it's worth it.

Alcohol makes you dizzy, makes you impulsive, but takes the edge off of emotions. Makes things a little less real, and it helps you forget. You enjoy the euphoria more though. 

Cigarettes are cheap. Nicotine helps, not a lot, but it's cheap.

These are the things that occupy you, have occupied you, while Ken was away.

He is back now, you're sitting in your bed unaware of what to do because he is back now and you don't remember how to live. Waking up in the morning is so foreign to you. You feel like absolute shit. You're not high, you're sober, and you feel like shit.

You felt like shit yesterday, too, but this feels worse somehow.

Kaneki has already gotten up. You remember him telling you where he was going, but you don't remember registering the specifics. Yesterday you two had a talk about your drug addictions and what you should do about them. You didn't really have any answers. You didn't think he would come back, like, no one told you that was a possibility. You haven't been sober long enough to make a good plan, and every moment you're still lucid you get more and more exhausted with it. 

You think to yourself that the situation is somehow unfair. You would have never started if you knew this was a possibility. How did you not know? Why did no one tell you?

You remember that you're putting Kaneki through all of this. He has been through so much, and now you're making him deal with this.

Stupid.

You're holding him back, you're causing him pain, and you don't know if you can stop.

Maybe you should make him leave? Tell him you don't love him, that you don't want him around, just so he wouldn't have to deal with you. 

In your twisted brain this makes sense, but you have a feeling that in reality it might not. Though your self esteem has plummeted so far that you cannot fathom the idea of him caring for you out of anything other than obligation, you convince yourself you owe him the courtesy of treating him kindly. 

This sort of just leaves you confused. What is the right thing to do here? What path would make Kaneki least unhappy?

Even if you join rehab and try your hardest, you're probably going to relapse quite a bit. You don't want him to go through that. Rehab takes a long time, you don't want to drag him through that. 

He said he wanted to stay forever. (Did he say that?) He doesn't really want that though, right? (I must be remembering wrong.)

You reach to your bedside stand and grab a cigarette, which you effortlessly light and take a few drags off.

It sort of looks... like Kaneki washed the sheets. Shit.

You usually sort of ash everywhere... but the sheets were washed...

You make special effort to just ash on the ground next to the bed, sort of leaning over from where you're sitting to reach where none of the washed bed covers would touch while also being able to sit on the bed and smoke.

Thunk! You fall off the bed.

"Fuck!" You curse, at a decent volume, not like a yell or anything but at probably talking volume. Usually, this is okay, since there's no one around to hear you.

Apparently, there is someone. You hear a knock at your bedroom door. 

You scramble to sit upright while somehow keeping your cigarette lit. It's a daunting task, but you complete with a still half lit cigarette and a small burn wound on your stomach, somehow. It's fine though, you can barely feel it. 

Kaneki peaks his head through the door. Shit, you're not ready to deal with him yet- ah- you feel happy to see him though, so happy.

"Is everything alright?" He asks. Sweet, sweet Kaneki and his gorgeous voice. You're not sure how it sounds to others but to you it sounds so beautiful, the comforting voice that has been there since childhood. His voice gives you chills and makes you feel at home.

You stand up, giving up on the cigarette and putting it out on some trash before brushing yourself off. 

"Everything's fine, don't worry." You let out somewhat of a forced yawn, trying to make up for what could have been a pause in conversation. (Please don't let this be awkward. I can't ruin anything.)

He nods, then looks at you up and down. (I probably look like shit...) 

Suddenly you become incredibly self conscious. "Sorry about the mess," You gesture to your room and yourself. "I'll start cleaning up later. For now, I think I'm going to go shower."

You nod to yourself, sort of deciding what to do as you go on.

"Do you need anything before then?"

He shakes his head. "I don't need anything, but uh- Hide," He reaches for you, and then pulls back, as you make your way to the bathroom connected to your bedroom.

"Can I wash your hair for you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY IM BACK and this is happening againnn


	7. Bath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe I’m back. I’ll finish this fanfic if it takes me 1k years! (Comments help me motivate myself to write more so PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU LIKE)

You’re confused. That’s not new, though. 

“I can wash my own hair, Kaneki.” You say, trying to make it sound lighthearted. God, you know you’re not doing a good job. It’s been bad. You’re not sure how to show emotions on your face anymore. Did it used to be easy?

It looks like Kaneki pick up on this, he bites his lips and looks away. He looks almost guilty... you wish he didn’t look like that. You don’t know what to say.

“I know you can, Hide... I just wanted to do something nice for you.”

He can be so pure sometimes, you think. “It’s alright Ken, you being here is enough. Besides-“

“Just let me do this for you Hide. Please.” He interupts you. You’re surprised. He looks so guilty but determined at the same time. Meekly, without thinking, you answer.

“Okay.”

You ended up stripped and sitting in a foamy bathtub- one that must have been cleaned while you were asleep- with soft fingers rubbing shampoo through your hair. Kaneki sits on a stool at the side of the bathtub. Your head leans over the bathtub’s walls as he cleans you.

You remember when he used to help you bleach your hair- gloves hands working through your at the time brown lockes. 

You have to forgive yourself for leaning into his touch, mind screaming to run before you get too dependent again but heart yearning to be closer. You want to latch on to him, plead for him to never let go. 

But you don’t, you both just sit in silence as his fingers work through your hair.

You recall when he said he wasn’t leaving-a few days ago was it? Yesterday? Time doesn’t make sense. Him saying that doesn’t make sense. You doubt he really said it.

Why is he still here?

You don’t want to ask. You’re scared to know, scared saying anything will break apart the tiny bit of happiness you’ve grasped onto.

“Your house is a mess.” He interupts your thoughts, taking you out of your mess of a head. He says that so light-heartedly, a fond smile on his face.

“I’ve never been very neat...” You smirk and lean more into his touch. You remember when Kaneki would come over to your house and help you clean your room, because it was always so messy. 

Though you rarely saw Kaneki’s room, it was always clean. Whether it was his aunt or his mother, someone always made him keep it perfectly tidy.

You feel guilty again. You bite your lip and lose yourself to your doubt again.

“I can, uh, help you clean it up...” He says, breaking you out of your thoughts again.

“You don’t have to do that, you know.” You mutter this, almost shyly- can you feel shy? Can you feel anything? -as he brings a stream of water over your head. So relaxing...

“Yeah, I don’t. But I want to.”

You can almost hear a pout in his voice. Fuck, why is he so cute, I can’t say no can I?

“Yeah, alright... we’ll clean it together.”

Though you’re not looking at him, you can hear him smile.

“Thank you,” he says, nuzzling his forehead against the top of your head.

“H-hey! I’m wet, Kaneki!” You chuckle a little, surprised at his sudden affection. He doesn’t move though.

“I love you,” He says. Softly, but loud enough to that he knows you can hear it. 

You don’t know if your heart can take him saying that much more. You hope he means it. 

You forget to respond. He notices.

He kisses the top of your head, before saying again, “I love you so, so much.”

You’re sort of lost at this point, so you just tilt your head back to look up at him. Stormy grey eyes meet a shaken brown, electricity and emotion being transfered through them. 

“I can’t believe I forgot about you, Hide. I knew I was forgetting someone so, so important. I’m so glad I remembered.” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, before opening them and looking straight at you again. You almost want to look away, the embarassment drowning you, but you can’t.

“You’re so important to me, Hide. I didn’t, I didn’t think I was as important to you, but...” He trails off, biting his lips, averting his eyes and taking another deep breath before continuing. “But you followed me, into the world of ghouls, and you tried to save me...” His eyes almost look sorrowful. 

“I... hurt you. I tried to... eat you.” Oh yeah, you remember that. You almost forgot. It wasn’t that big of a deal for you, you know you would die for him in a heartbeat.

“You’re a ghoul now, right?”

How did he know that? Wait- didn’t your kagune come out last night? Shit. 

“Y-yeah,” You stammer.

He looks away. “How long?”

“Uh... a long time.” You respond. You aren’t even thinking before answering, giving the honest truth. You should try make a lie for him to be happy, but your recent sobriety has rendered you shit at decision making.

“Before... the incident in the sewers?”

You keep your mouth shut but nod. He sighs.

“I had a feeling... I’m not sure regular human meat would have sustained me so well...” He muttered, not meeting your eyes for a second.

“I’m sorry.” What?

“Ken, no- you don’t need to apologize- I did that on purpose, like, I wanted you to go on and-“ He silences you, pressing his soft lips against yours.

Its a tender kiss. He doesn’t move his lips, just holding his against yours for a moment. It’s nice. Since your head is leaning back and his is above, you feel a little awkward... but it’s alright.

He slowly moves his head back up. You don’t speak, you just stare. For once, your mind is silent.

“I really love you.” He said that earlier, but for a second, you feel like you believe him. You feel like you want nothing more than to be enveloped in his love. Safe, loved, you couldn’t ask for anything more. But then you stop thinking, because you can’t get your hopes up. He could leave again. He could never love you.

He continues to wash your hair in silence, not asking for a response. He doesn’t ask how or when you became a ghoul, and you greatly appretiate it. He can be so considerate...

You dry yourself off and he takes a blowdrier to your hair. It feels so domestic. You’re both relatively silent during this, but it doesn’t feel awkward... just comfortable. 

“Here- I got you some clothes.” He hands you some brand new clothing- a funny t-shirt, some comfy sweats, banana socks, a hoodie and some boxers- and you can’t help but feel incredibly loved.

“When did you get these?” You murmur, turning your head up to look him in the eye. He shrugs.

“While you were sleeping- I left a note just in case you woke up- but I got back before you did so it wasn’t a big deal. I made sure to be quick, too.”

So considerate. You don’t deserve this.

You smile anyways. “Thanks.”

He smiles back. “Of course.”


	8. After the Shower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two chapters one night... my inspiration has returned! If I’m lucky I can finish this by the end of the week. If I’m lucky...

He’s waiting outside the bathroom for you to change. He already saw you naked while you were in the bath and when you were drying off, so maybe he is just...

He looked sort of flushed when he suggested you change. Was he... embarassed?

You look at yourself through the foggy mirror. Your hair is much cleaner now, fluffy from the hair drier. Your skin, however, is horrendous.

Blotched with track marks, patch bruising and other misc marks from your non-lucid clumsiness, your skin is an ugly mess of black yellow and purple. 

You’re sickly skinny too. You look disgusting. How could anyone love you?

Kaneki must have been lying. 

You sink to the floor, clothes momentarily forgotten. 

There’s a lot for you to process. You’re still not sure Kaneki’s still here. You feel, lucid-ish, but it could all be a lie. You’re not sure. 

You’re scared of opening the door and him not being there. Him never having been there. You’ve been trapped in an endless cycle of escapism and drugs for so long that you can’t truly be sure of anything.

You let yourself consider, for a moment, that he is truly here. Then, though you despise yourself for doing so, you consider if he truly loves you. You remember the feeling of his soft lips... you hope it was real.

You need to know if it was real.

You throw your clothes on and open the door.

“Kaneki?” You call out, desperation seeping into your voice. He’s right there though, waiting for you.

“H-Hide? Are you done changing?” He answers immidietly, looking a little flustered. That look fades away when he sees your face. “Are you okay?”

You pull him into a tight embrace. You aren’t thinking, but at the same time you are and your mind is chanting how thankful you are he is still here. You nuzzle your head into the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent and reveling in his prescense.

He brings a hand to your back, reciprocating your embrace. God, you love him so much...

You try to think of something to say. Something to hide your vulnerability, to not seem so desperate.

“I was scared you... weren’t going to be here when I opened the door. I was scared you were gone.” You mumbled into his neck. Fuck hiding vulnerability, you guess. Something about Kaneki just makes you want to spill your gutts.

He grips you tighter, snaking a hand into your hair. “It’s okay, Hide... I’m not leaving, I promise.” You can feel his warm breath on your neck. He’s here, he’s here. 

“Please don’t leave.” Your broken voice whispers, much to your mind’s aggitation. You need to be stronger, for him, he’s back and you should be supporting him- not this.

“I won’t. I’m never leaving you again.” He pulls away a little just so he can rest his forehead against yours and look you right in the eyes. “I promise, Hide, never again, okay?” His voice sounds broken too. Maybe you’re both a little broken. Maybe leaving you did hurt him... You close your eyes and nuzzle your forehead against his. He places a gentle kiss against your lips, then against your nose, then your forehead. 

“I love you, Hide. I love you so much and it breaks my heart to see you in pain and yet I’m overjoyed that I’m hear with you at all.” He meets your eyes with unwavering determination. 

“I love you, Kaneki... I love you.” You respond before hiding your face in his neck again. He gives a soft laugh and runs his hands through your hair. 

You sigh into his neck. “I’ve barely been awake yet I’m already exhausted.”

He gently pets your hair, soothing you. “Let’s get you some food, alright?” You nod.

He leaves your arms-don’t go,please- and makes his way to the fridge, pulling out a familiar meat in a foreign presentation.

“Is that... human meat?” You’re a little shocked. When did that get in there?

He nods though, unsurprised. “I got it from a uh, connection. You eat this now, right?” You’re relieved he is taking your newfound ghoul shit well, but...

“I can eat human food too, y’know.” You should have told him that earlier.

“O-oh...” He falters, looks embarassed-ah shit you messed up- and moved to put it back in the fridge. 

“I-I mean I can eat it if you want!” You say abruptly before he can finish. “I mean, I’m just really happy you got food for me... thank you. But in the future, you don’t have to go out of your way, y’know?” He meets your eyes and nods and relief floods through you. You come forward and gingerly take the block of meat from his hand.

You lean over the counter, awkwardley preparing to eat. You take a few bites- the taste is amazing- but you can’t help but feel guilty Kaneki went out of his way for you. “Want some?” You ask, holding the meat out towards him. He shakes his head.

“No, I ate earlier... you need it much more.” 

After a moment of consideration you nod and continue eating. It doesn’t take long for you to finish- you were hungrier than you thought.

You remember seeing your skinny self in the mirror earlier. Bones and bruises. Disgusting.

Kaneki places his hand over yours. Did he know what you were thinking? How could he tell? 

“You said you were tired... right? How about we just... take a nap for now and we can clean later in the evening,” He suggests.

“Both of us?”

“Yeah, uh, I’m sure your bed is big enough.” You’re taken off-guard by his forwardness. 

“Yeah, of course.” You say, almost dreamily. You shake the embarassment out of your thoughts and lead him to your room.

“Sorry about the mess, uh... you know how it is.” He gives you a reassuring smile.

You take a seat on your bed. “I noticed you washed the sheets.” He laughs a little. God, so beautiful.

“Yeah, yesterday you passed out in the living room, so I washed them before carrying you to bed.” God he carried you to bed? You feel so embarassed and yet you feel so giddy. Oh boy.

“Thank you,” You say with a nervous laugh. God, you’re helpless. You crawl under the sheets and he follows.

He wordlessly places an arm around you, and just as silently you bury yourself into his chest. So warm, so welcoming, so loving.

You feel yourself drifting off into sleep.

“I love you...” You hear him murmur.

“Please don’t... leave while I’m asleep,” You respond, already half-asleep and not entirely thinking. 

He pulls you closer. “I wont, I promise.”

You sigh in relief, snuggling closer and letting yourself trust him. Finally, you respond.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls feed me comments.. they r my lifeblood to continue

**Author's Note:**

> anyone notice how my writing style perfectly matches that of the shia labeouf song
> 
> anyways comment if u want me to continue this... idk how to write but like, next chapter hide will probably go to the ghoul cells and run into kaneki?? and then angsty gay shenanigans will ensue?????? idk comment w/ ur opinion ty


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